On today's episode of The Big Suck and other moments of frustration

It's Tuesday night, the day after Christmas.  It's cold here, bitterly, and it's been a long day.

I have written about my daughter's battle with multiple chronic illnesses before, some of you will remember.  I pride myself on staying positive, being positive, and trying to convince her to be positive.  Some days, the emphasis is on "trying" and not doing and today is one of those days. 

Most recently, one of Liz's medications was increased, for good reason.  This is the second increase in a couple months.  She knew what to expect....several days of suck, side effects, discomfort as her body adjusted to the increase, followed by a bright, shining light that suddenly appeared through the dark clouds.  Well, it's been days and we're patiently waiting for the light.  Sigh.  The several days of suck, well those arrived promptly.  Perfect timing too, with Christmas and such.  So yeah, no stress there.  Not to mention, it's cold.  I mean, cold.  'Cause when you feel like hell, you really want to be trapped inside.  Of course, you can always go out and get some fresh air if you don't mind the freezing temperatures, the wind and the gloomy glow to the day.  We've done both and yeah, both have their advantages and disadvantages.

Anyway, tonight, we went out to get tomato soup.  For some reason, this is what Liz wants to eat and given the nausea, dizziness, flushed face, pain and stress she is experiencing, I gladly went to the store to procure tomato soup and more crackers, because this is what she thinks will help.  She's sipping the soup from the mug her Dad bought her during her last visit and seems content.  Thank God for that.

She's been camping out next to my bed at night, because she doesn't feel well or secure enough to sleep in her room.  Again, who cares, as long as it provides comfort.  We laugh and joke about it, because what else can you do. 

The best part of this is that if you see her on the street, she's going to smile and when you ask her how she is, she's going to say, "okay", and smile and you're going to think she looks pretty well.  You wouldn't really believe she isn't well.  No one really ever does.  And sometimes, I get pretty annoyed by that.  She's pretty good at faking it, has had a lot of practice.  But once the door closes at home, she's free to be ill in the privacy of her own home. 





So why am I telling you all about this?  Am I complaining?   Do I want you to feel badly for me?  Nope, not really.  I am not complaining and I don't want you to feel bad for me.  I really want my daughter to be well, so if you can help with that, I will gladly accept your help with that.  So why am I talking about it?   I can't really talk about this to most people.  I can't and I don't, because honestly....well, I don't know why.  It's an old story by now and lots of people get bored; it's a matter of people having their own problems and struggles and me not wanting to bother them, and I guess when it comes right down to it, I think a lot of people just don't really care.  Not to say they don't care about my daughter, but just that it doesn't change their daily life, so it's easy to listen for a few minutes and then dismiss the issue.  Meanwhile, Liz has been curled up in my bed most of the afternoon while I work beside her and is now sipping tomato soup and looking remotely contented.  So I feel better.   But the fact of the matter is, i'm kind of frustrated with this process tonight and needed to get it out.  So I'm telling you, this blog, much as I always do.  I write.  That's been one consistent in my life. 


Tonight, Liz and I have been talking about goals for the new year.  She shared some great goals she has with me and I shared some of mine with her.  I set my goal to write more. 

That's it for this episode of The Big Suck, stay tuned for the next episode.