Parenting is not for the faint of heart...and other painful ah-ha moments
Parenting is not for the faint of heart. Like at all. I say this a lot. And if you're out there agreeing with me, welcome to the tribe. If you are out there thinking, hey, I don't get what she's saying. Parenting is super simple and easy, then....well, I don't know. I guess I want to meet you.
The hardest part about parenting, in my humble opinion, is when you are rolling along, like on cruise control and you think everything is going okay. I should have learned by now that this is the time to worry, that it is the calm before the storm, that I am racing head first into a brick wall, about to crash into certain doom.
Every once in awhile, I think I'm doing a good job. Then, I find out, no, in fact, I am not doing a good job. There seems to be ample folks out there just waiting to share this news, at any moment, on a day when I'm not on my game that, in fact, I suck the big one when it comes to parenting. You know what I mean here, I know you do. Folks lurk in the bushes and on the other side of the street, on your Facebook account or in grocery store aisles just waiting to see someone they know....who also knows you...to share "secrets" about how horrible a job you are doing and how you could do it so much better. Awesome.
Now, let's not get confused here. I'm not perfect. I am far from it and after many years of striving to be, I gave up (I don't usually give up, but this, well, seriously...no one is perfect) and realized it was okay to accept myself the way I am. Now, I still love a good self help book, a Bible study, an inspiring movie that makes me wanna sit up and make improvements, but I am really trying to love myself for the neurotic, stressed, clutzy, weepy, irritatingly positive ball of emotions that I am. When I picked up the Purpose Driven Life book, I came to the conclusion fairly quickly that God has placed me on this Earth to be the mother to my child. This has been my most important task, one that I have taken seriously for the past 18 years, 6 months, 4 weeks, and 4 days of my life. I'm not even sure who I am without this role. But I am going to find out as my daughter will be going off to college in August and like it or not, ready or not, the change is going to occur. I am going to wake up one morning and there are no more lunches to pack, no more dishes to collect, no more clothes on the floor, no more calls for rides, no more expressions of unhappiness, no more making dinner. It's all going to stop. To end. My time here is over. Okay, queue the weepy-ness.
Sigh. Okay, getting my self together....getting myself together...sniffling....blowing my nose....breathing hard....I'm back.
Okay. So I don't know which is true. What I do know tonight, as I sit here alone by the fire,
looking out the window into the dark of night, listening to the wind howling, that I don't have a clue what I am doing, where I am, or where I am going. And I guess, at the end of the day, sometimes that just has to be good enough. Because after all, I am not perfect. And the One who created me never intended me to be. And in the end, He doesn't make mistakes. There's a lesson here. But I'm just a little too tired to figure it out right now.
The hardest part about parenting, in my humble opinion, is when you are rolling along, like on cruise control and you think everything is going okay. I should have learned by now that this is the time to worry, that it is the calm before the storm, that I am racing head first into a brick wall, about to crash into certain doom.Every once in awhile, I think I'm doing a good job. Then, I find out, no, in fact, I am not doing a good job. There seems to be ample folks out there just waiting to share this news, at any moment, on a day when I'm not on my game that, in fact, I suck the big one when it comes to parenting. You know what I mean here, I know you do. Folks lurk in the bushes and on the other side of the street, on your Facebook account or in grocery store aisles just waiting to see someone they know....who also knows you...to share "secrets" about how horrible a job you are doing and how you could do it so much better. Awesome.
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| My mother-in-law bought me the most beautiful silver, bangle bracelet with this quote.....I treasured it. |
Now, let's not get confused here. I'm not perfect. I am far from it and after many years of striving to be, I gave up (I don't usually give up, but this, well, seriously...no one is perfect) and realized it was okay to accept myself the way I am. Now, I still love a good self help book, a Bible study, an inspiring movie that makes me wanna sit up and make improvements, but I am really trying to love myself for the neurotic, stressed, clutzy, weepy, irritatingly positive ball of emotions that I am. When I picked up the Purpose Driven Life book, I came to the conclusion fairly quickly that God has placed me on this Earth to be the mother to my child. This has been my most important task, one that I have taken seriously for the past 18 years, 6 months, 4 weeks, and 4 days of my life. I'm not even sure who I am without this role. But I am going to find out as my daughter will be going off to college in August and like it or not, ready or not, the change is going to occur. I am going to wake up one morning and there are no more lunches to pack, no more dishes to collect, no more clothes on the floor, no more calls for rides, no more expressions of unhappiness, no more making dinner. It's all going to stop. To end. My time here is over. Okay, queue the weepy-ness.
Sigh. Okay, getting my self together....getting myself together...sniffling....blowing my nose....breathing hard....I'm back.
I fancy, every now and then, that I have done a good job as a mother, that the amazing young lady that is my offspring is somewhat amazing because of the decisions I have made,
the sacrifices I have chosen, the direction I have gone, the strong back I have tried to demonstrate, the I put you first attitude that has been my choice. And sometimes, when I am cruising along,
blissfully unaware, my bubble is burst and I am told,
through various methods, that she is amazing despite me.
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| I don't know if this fits, but I love it so much. |
looking out the window into the dark of night, listening to the wind howling, that I don't have a clue what I am doing, where I am, or where I am going. And I guess, at the end of the day, sometimes that just has to be good enough. Because after all, I am not perfect. And the One who created me never intended me to be. And in the end, He doesn't make mistakes. There's a lesson here. But I'm just a little too tired to figure it out right now.
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