Unless You Are a Mother and other things painfully private

Original drawing by Sarah Steele

Unless you are a Mother, 

and I don't care which kind,

you don't know.

You don't know what it is to love

before you even know,

to grieve the way a mother grieves

the pain, the sadness,

the joy and the happiness 

associated with motherhood,

you just don't know.

You don't know how helpless it is

to stand by and watch

during tough times,

during good times,

during painful times

as your child tries to right herself

and get through

because she can't let you down.

I stand and watch the pain, 

the sickness and the frustration

and I wish, I pray, I hope

there will be something I can do 

to simply make it stop.  

When people are unkind, when life is unkind

when she suffers, when she is unwell.

The floor is cold, but I sit there with her

until it passes.  I rub her head, if that is what she wants.

I fetch a cold, wet cloth if that is what she wants.

I rub the scented oil on her temples, I spray the lavender oil

and hope for some relaxation, some respite from what is so horrible

terrible, unjust, and unfair. 

I pray it's going to end this time...

until next time, when we start again. The floor is cold, and I get a blanket and wrap her in it

as she starts to shiver and shake and asks me where she is. 

I blink back tears and wipe the exhaustion and concern from my face

so she can't possibly know how I feel, what I think and the 

pain and horror I feel because she is feeling what she is feeling

and I wish it were me.  

I hold her hand and tell her to imagine...imagine the pain centering in her hands

and to grip my hand and to push the pain to me, so I can take the burden from her.  

I speak soothingly, telling her it will pass

and I grit my teeth against the anger of why it takes so long to pass.  

When it's over, I sit and watch her sleep and when I know she can't hear me,

then I can weep, and sigh and complain to the universe about

what has happened to her...again...why.  

I promise next time, I will do better, be better, and I will help her more.  

I will do more research and spend more time thinking of what will help her.

I will buy another pill, try another silly idea and I will plaster a smile on my face and

tell her there is a great chance that it will work.  

I listen when she tells me how she feels, 

I listen when she asks why can't she be like everyone else

when she demands to know what she did to deserve to be in pain.....

everyday, day after day...and a little bit of pain is a celebration,

because it's a day without a lot bit of pain.  

I come up with things to say, even if I don't believe them myself,

to comfort, to remind her of her strength, her character

and promise that it won't always be this way.  But I wonder, will it?

I pray for hope, and strength, and love and warmth and comfort most of all

to fill the inside of her soul until there is room for no more.  

I revel in the good days with her and straighten up during the not so good days with her.

I thank God for her because she is ....well, everything to me.

And then I wonder, if I have been given this gift,

this unbelievable gift - that I never imagined myself worthy of - why she feels this pain.

There has to be a reason - I believe there is a reason for all of it,

everything has it's season and I am reminded that every day leads her to who she will be.  

I am grateful, and glad and bewildered to be along for the path that leads her to who she will be,

even though it feels, at times, like I can't survive it.  

She will survive it, I will survive it.  I will straighten up,

I will wipe angrily at the tears and I will pull it together.
I will be her mother, I will do it with grace and strength,

even if I don't feel it or have it and I will carry on.

I will be amazed,  bewildered and surprise as she carries on

in fine fashion...a young girl with ambition, dedication and decision

who sets a goal and exceeds it, who knows what she wants and how to meet it

head first, headstrong with nothing stopping her....

not even the pain that is chronic and unceasing.  

I will love her for all that she is and will be

and I will be beside her when she needs me....

and behind her when she doesn't

and I will carry on.  

Because that is simply what you do,

when you are a mother.