I'm a doormat - and other confessions

This is me, your friendly, neighborhood doormat

...all sensitive and kind and waiting for another hard kick.

They say confession is good for the soul.  Here's a confession. 
I have been a doormat all my life.

The problem with being a doormat is that when you are down

and out and you are reminded you are the doormat,

it hits you harder than it might otherwise have.

So yeah, most of the time I go with the flow.

And most of the time, I know where I stand

and have learned to live with it.

Don't get confused. I don't encourage people to treat me the way they do.

It's simply that I can't change it and have chosen

to accept it and am not going to waste time and energy trying

to change what I know I can't change. 

That's a lesson I have learned with age. 

I am nobody's first choice.  I am nobody's favorite relative. 

I am nobody's best friend. 

I am the person folks call if they need someone to talk to,

help with something, of a little empathy. 

Every once in awhile, I get confused and think maybe,

just maybe, someone finds me important in their life.

That's the biggest silliness. 

When I let myself believe that and get confident in my role.

Then you can guess what happened, right? 

Each and every time, I find out - usually in a pretty hurtful way

- that I, in fact, am not....important. 

That's not to say that  there are no people out there who love me or enjoy my company 

or would feel badly if something permanently bad happened to me. 

Sure there are.  I think.  Anyway, the bottom line is just that it is what it is.  

The part that bothers me most about this is when I get snowed.  When I get confused. 

When I start to think I am important to someone

and then when it hits the fan.  I feel like an idiot all over again. 

The thing about me is it takes me a really lot of times

to be taught a lesson.  What do I mean? 

Well, it's that I believe the best in people.   

And they can continually prove and demonstrate

that they don't have my best interests at heart,

that they don't truly care and that they

will turn their back on me in a New York minute. 

You know the type....they hear a rumor about you

and instead of saying, no - she's my friend and that doesn't sound right

- they jump on the bandwagon.  Damn. 

Well most of the world simply needs to be told that once or twice

before they doubt the genuineness of the person.  Not me. 

You've got to rub my face in it repeatedly before I buy into it. 

Shaking my head here.  Thinking of the times this has happened and I just haven't gotten it. 

The interesting part is that most people in my life who find joy

in using me as a doormat think that because I don't routinely

call them out for it that I don't know exactly where things stand. 

I do know.  it might take a long time for me to figure it out,

I know.  And just because I don't fight back violently

doesn't mean I don't know exactly where things are at. 

90% of the time I can manage those feelings. 

But every once in awhile, I have an off day

and I let myself be hurt.  Doesn't happen a lot. But it does happen.

The thing is here, I probably sound like I am feeling sorry for myself.  But I promise you, I'm not.  I'm on this kick lately that I feel my emotions when they happen, I own my mistakes (that's not new), I work hard to see things for what they are and to make some corrections (in myself) as a result of this new found clarity. 

But the thing is, as much as I would like some relief from the sting of this doormat classification, I don't want to be someone else. 

I want to be okay with thinking the best of people,

of being positive and staying positive,

of wanting the world to be a better, nicer place - even if it's not.  Maybe this is simple.  But I never said I wasn't simple. 

So tell me...are you a doormat? 

Or are you one of those folks who rely on the doormats in your life? 

Maybe you're a person who treats people like a doormat?  I don't know....but I'd like to hear about it.