You never know what you've got....until it's found.....and other hard to imagine moments

Photo credits to D. Fuller

Okay, so we all know the expression, you never know what you've got until it's gone.  That doesn't really apply to me.  I usually appreciate what I have, who I have in my life, and the blessings I have been given.  Usually.  I also know how easily the wonderful things in life can be taken in a heartbeat. I'm guessing we pretty much all do. 




But, lately, I feel like you never know what you've got until it's found.   



A while back, in a sad, weak moment, I reached out to a Facebook friend of mine, late one evening and asked him what men are really looking for in a woman.  His reply was telling and priceless and an omen.  He said, "I have no idea"  and in describing how he got involved with his current girlfriend, "I didn't know what I was looking for until she found me."  Okay, that's beautiful.  And I am so happy for him and his girlfriend.  Truly.  That wasn't necessarily the answer I was looking for, but truth be told, there is no easy answer.  And when I gave it more thought, I realized I feel much the same way.  I really don't know what I am looking for.  Many have asked me this, as it applies to relationships and I always have answered the same way.  I don't know. 

Before you get confused, I'm not some fickle woman who can't make up her mind, or some silly school girl who doesn't know her own mind. I am a mature, seasoned, reasonably intelligent woman, who has life experience and has lived through love and the ensuing heartbreak.  So why don't I know what the hell I am looking for.  And while we are on the subject of why's....why haven't I gotten remarried after being divorced so long, and when am I going to find a good man and settle down again, and am I maybe "gay"  (she whispers quietly and uses air quotes here, much the way her mother does when she says the word gay).  What is wrong with me? 

Okay, so yeah.  Anyway.  Got a little off the subject, sort of. 

So here's the thing.  I found someone.  And yes, it's pretty much that way.  I found him.  I wasn't searching or seeking or looking around for a guy....wasn't wandering around looking for men with no wedding ring, or smiling and batting my eyes at every man I saw, much to the chagrin of many of the people in my life.  But I found him anyway.  And I tried to just ignore the feelings I was experiencing...the need to see him again or speak to him or whatever, I just don't know.  And the funny thing is, I did....see him and speak to him.  A lot.  And next thing you know, just like that, I'm someone's girlfriend.  Hmm. 


I had no idea...none.  And those neat, tidy, stable and solid walls I have been building up for so very long.....well, yeah.  They're pointless.  They don't apply.  I am just way too busy feeling happy to keep them in place.  It's just become way too much work to worry about keeping them in place.  I am happy.  Wow.  Is this how the other half lives?  All the things that are typical for so many in a new relationship, just do not apply.  He treats me so much better than I could have imagined, than I could possibly deserve to be treated.  He's kind, generous, thoughtful, funny, hard-working, supportive, and has the most beautiful eyes.  I could go on forever, but yeah, you probably don't want to hear it all.  My teenage daughter has had all she can stand of my cheeriness, my singing, my smiling and sighing.  Bad news, dearest daughter, it doesn't look like that's going to end any time soon. 

"One word frees us from all the weight and pain in life. That word is love." Sophocles

All who wander are not lost.  And that even includes me.  I've been wandering for awhile, trying to figure things out, trying to heal myself.  And lots of folks have had things to say about that wandering....some kind, some not so kind.  But the truth is, when I wasn't looking, the tiny little broken pieces, the little holes in my heart, they seem to be healing up. 


I didn't know what I was looking for ... until it found me. Or, truly, I found him.

To love is nothing.  To be loved is something.

But to love and be loved, that is everything!

Bill Russell