Things don't suck...and other lies I tell myself

Things do not suck. 

Okay, let's be honest, maybe they suck a little. 

I'm an eternal optimist, one of those people who irritate those 

who never want to look at the bright side, 

who are happy to point out what's bad 

about the world and don't think they

 have anything to be grateful for.

I pride myself on being grateful and on being optimistic.

But truly, lately things, well, they kind of suck.

First, I'm a mom.  Greatest honor of my life.  

My daughter is awesome.  Sarcastic, sharp tongued, witty, intelligent, 

strong-willed, ambitions, driven, argumentative and isn't easily swayed.  

She's the best thing that ever happened to me. 

 So what could go wrong, you ask? 

Okay, well, she had the audacity, 

after 18 years of care, worry and sacrifice, 

to go off to college....four hours away.  

Who does that?  Well, my awesome, driven daughter of course.

That's what I taught her, after all, to go get what she wants in life. 
Sigh...right about now, I wish she were a slacker...but no, 

she's a strong student and is doing well at school.  

And I am so happy for her and so proud.

What the actual hell?

Yeah, I can hear some of you now. 

 Kids are supposed to leave the nest.

This is what they do. 

I should just be happy to have some free time.

I should be happy that she is doing well at school and has goals.

Get over it and get a life.
Yeah, yeah, I hear you, I've heard it all, and duh, no kidding, I get it.

But the logical side is easy to figure out and accept.

The heart, well, not so much.
Leaving her at school was one of the hardest things I have ever done. 

I walked around in sloppy clothes, with a ponytail and a pout...for about five days.  

I was sad, I cried a lot, and I thought I wouldn't survive the hurt.

But I did, of course I did.

Second, I'm a daughter.

Not a perfect daughter, not even close.

And the day after I dropped my daughter off at college,

yup, the day after, I got a call about my mom. 

She has cancer.  What the actual hell?

So yeah, now I am trying my best to help my mom, 

to go to her appointments with her, to spend as much time with her as I can.

Mostly, I just worry I don't know what I'm doing, 

don't have the answers and am gonna fall flat on my face.

But I get up mostly every day and figure it out.

It is what it is.  I am doing the best I can.

And third, I am a woman.

Hmm....most of the time, I think that's terrific. 

I wouldn't want to be a man. I mean seriously....  

But, I am a middle-aged woman, so you know what that means, right?

The dreaded M word....what the actual hell?

So yeah, I cry a whole lot.

When there are kids involved, animals involved, 

something moving or touching, just about anything.

And I think about having a baby all the damn time.

Here's the thing, I don't want a baby.  What, am I nuts?

No, I most certainly am not.   

I am a 45-year old woman who, for the first time ever, has a bit of freedom. And it's good.  

I don't want to get up in the middle of the night a bunch of times with a baby.  

I don't want to be a mama to a baby again.  My head knows this.  

My body and my heart are confused.  

See, it's confused because it knows I can't really have a baby any more, thanks to the big M, but jeez, I can't seem to cope.  I want that part of my life to be over,

 but then again, part of me wants to be 25 again and expecting a baby.  

Sigh...instead, it's hot flashes, mood swings, nausea and lots of other unpleasant issues.  Awesome.  And again, what the actual heck?  

So yeah, that's the suckish parts of me. 
I know it's a season, it will pass, and I will keep going. 

And I'm doing the best I can.