When life gives you lemons....and other pull yourself together moments

I apologize in advance because this one is going to be all over the place, because I have been all over the place lately.  I am doing the best I can with what I have to work with.  Life is not easy.  Lately, it's been a gigantic bucket of suck.  But I am getting up out of bed every day and making it work, or trying to make it work.  Yeah, it hasn't been pretty - there's been more coffee consumed than ever, not to mention wine, but we are making it go. 



I know lots of people have life all figured out - I do, I know this.  Lots of people, apparently, accomplish their to do list every day, keep their house clean all the time, always have gas in their car, their laundry is always done and their emotional health - well, I don't know what their emotional health is, but they appear to have it all together.  And I am glad about that, glad for them.  But here on the other side, where the rest of us live, I am just trying to get by, one day at a time.  And honestly, I am pretty damn proud of that. 





Things haven't been easy lately (when are they ever easy) and I have been kind of dark lately in my writing and my thinking.  But  a beautiful thing happened today - first, the sun was shining and it was around 40 degrees here where I live.  Compared to the extreme cold and dark days we've been having, this was  a gift from God.  Plus, my daughter, who suffers with multiple chronic illnesses, responded well to a reduction in a medication that she wasn't needing, but had once essentially saved her life.  This life saving medication brought with it a gift bag of miserable side effects, which she endured on a daily basis, because as I mentioned, it was saving her life.  It was the POD (pit of despair) dealing with this medication, but it saved her life, in case I hadn't already said that!   So, she was ready for a reduction (thank you, dearest God) and responded well to the reduction...no recurrence of symptoms which brought about the need for the medication and after several days, clarity, energy, relief of a fog and blur of emotions she experiences because of this medication, some very personal side effects that I won't share, and the reduction of a miserable side effect that caused a mean weight gain - one that can only be described as a mean case of the munchies. 

So yeah, let me just tell you, having your child smile and express how she is feeling better, it is the best gift in the world.  We talked a little about how life has suffered for this most serious bout of illness she has endured - falling behind in school, the weight gain, etc, and how it is also the POD to have to have dealt with all of this.  You know what they say, when life gives you lemons.....well, whatever.  I am a feel your feelings kind of gal.  It's okay that she feels cheated and ticked off at the world sometimes.  Better to feel that now than to employ my chief coping mechanism in earlier life and just stuff it down until it rears its ugly head. 

I've spent my whole life dealing with trust issues and over the past few years, that has come to haunt me in a big way.  People I thought I could trust turned out to be people I couldn't trust.  Well, we all have to learn these lessons, right?  I worked hard on these trust issues, worked to let people in and had it blow up in my face in the worst way....the .  worst .  way.  Life goes on, right? Then, I again worked hard to keep my trust from being restored, tried to stay cold and distant, keep everyone at arms length.  Worked hard at it.  And then fell down in my effort and let someone in.  Boy, did I let someone in.  And guess what?  Well, you already know.  It crashed and burned.  And things got dark for me.  I did what I always hate when people, asked God why?  I know everything is a lesson, but damn, what is the point of these lessons?  I am trying to learn to trust again and have been repeatedly shown it is painful and a let down.  So am I staying in bed, am I crying all the time, am I determined not to go on because life is too hard?  No, I am most certainly not doing those things.  I refuse.  Sometimes I get out of bed every day simply to keep people from being able to say that I couldn't get out of bed, that they beat me, that they broke me.  No, no and no. 

My daughter and I were talking recently and she was frustrated by her lack of motivation.  I reminded her that everywhere I go, everywhere I spend time - my desk, my bed, my car - I have motivation.  I have photos of the people I love.  I have Bible versus and inspirational sayings in my kitchen.  I have a crucifix hanging from my rear view mirror in the car.  I have a collage of pictures and motivational pictures on my refrigerator.  This is how I get through the day and stay motivated to move forward. 







Some days - well, honestly, they're not pretty.  But every day, I get up and do my best to face whatever the day has to offer, I gather strength from my faith in the Lord, and I do what I can to do what needs to be done.  It's okay that it's not neat and organized and well played.  That's fine.  I stopped expecting that a long time ago - stopped expecting perfection from others and myself.  I might cry, I might swear a little, I might struggle, but I will endure.