Relationships and other travesties

In my last post, I wrote about procrastinations and things I mean to do, but don't.  Dating...it's just not something I do. Have I done it - yes; will I do it again - as the magic 8 ball would say - doubtful.  Why? you might ask.  Giant SIGH!  I don't know...well, I guess I do know but would rather deny the reasons, or ignore the reasons, or...make excuses.  Dating means you have to sell yourself (not like that, get your mind out of the gutter); I mean you have to put your best foot forward - you know, say good things about yourself, tell funny stories, seem interesting, pretend you don't have flaws and worst of all, take a risk, have some faith and give it a chance.  I have spent the last six years of my life trying to remember who I am...I lost myself along the way somewhere.  It was not a fun trip - finding myself.  I had to admit lots of things about myself that I really didn't like and I am not completely ready to forgive myself for some of those things.  I have, however, come to terms with my flaws and there are a ton load of them (see what I mean -not a good thing to admit on a first date, yikes!)  But I can't stuff them down and not acknowledge them anymore.  I have accepted who I am - I am not always a fan- but it could be worse.

So, do I have a fear of commitment, a fear of intimacy, a desire to wreak havoc on my own happiness...yup - ok - I do.  But maybe I have just been alone too long now - could I really co-habitate, co-parent or share my life again - I don't know.  Have I dated - yes - I like the workaholic types (this is what I know - you keep going back to what you know, right?).  I like good conversation - about books, movies, family, politics (a little but let's not go overboard).  I like older men (I can't go through another mid-life crisis - ever!).  And  I need a guy who understands that I am a parent...but inevitably - I prefer fantasy over real life and tend to get more involved with characters from books and movies than in my own "real" life.  And, I prefer to write about what I might do someday rather than actually doing it.  And really, though it is hard for some folks to believe, I am really quite content with my life just the way it is.  Are there times when it would be nice to have another adult in the house - sure...like when I am too sick to get out of bed and Liz needs a ride, or when she wakes up with a fever of 103 and I am trying to figure out what to do or when I get an abrupt phone call and it is really bad news or when I can't sleep because I am worrying and I really need someone to talk to - sure.  But I have friends and family who fit all those rolls  and most of them, most of the time can accept me for who I am - whether they agree wtih me or not - and don't ask me to try to be someone else.  

"Be yourself. No one can ever tell you you're doing it wrong." James Leo Herlihy   

When I first told my dad I was getting divorced, he said God didn't intend for anyone to walk this earth alone.  I think he is right and 95% of the time, I don't feel alone.  I guess for now, that is good enough.